Color Commentary is back and for this special edition, we’re taking aim at Nashville Pride.
I suppose a little backstory is in order.
Even though I’m an unapologetic MSM of color who lists Midnighter, Brian Kinney and Alan Turing as his Patronuses, as a general rule I usually shun Pride and most Gay Inc (read: cis white privileged) functions. They tend to be bigoted toxic cesspools of antiblackness.
These pieces here and here and here discuss why Pride is problematic for many of us. While some LGBTQs may understandably attend (as is their right), others steer clear.
Varying mileage and all of that.
The horror stories I’ve heard about Nashville Pride specifically had been more than enough to keep me away. Which is why my response when folks ask me if I plan on attending local Pride events is:
And when they insist I should attend and connect with the local “community” for my benefit:
So of course last year The #NoH8 Campaign was going to be present and thus force me to attend.
Getting a #NoH8 Campaign pic had been on my bucket list for a number of years. I like the campaign, what it’s come to represent, and I wanted to participate. Even if it meant venturing into basic bitch hell to do so.
This one was going to be one for the ages. After all, nothing says Adventure Time like going through Tartarus to achieve an objective.
And so #OperationOrpheus was born.
The following social media updates chronicle my musings and what transpired.
Fair warning, the shade is real.
No really. …….
Don’t say you weren’t warned.
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Okay webheads,
#OperationOrpheus is in effect. I’m about to enter #NashvillePride, also known as a flamboyant circle of Hell, get this #NoH8 Campaign pic and knock it off my bucket list and get the hell out before I’m doomed to be stuck there for eternity listening to Ru Paul, Taylor Swift, Madame Goo Goo, or worse yet, be forced to interact with these people.
[Does sign of cross]
All right let’s do this.
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[Wandering through the crowd and seeing the sloppy sartorial choices that were made]
You all better thank the Almighty that I have a friend in Jesus and I don’t do petty.
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[Sees horrendously dressed trolls approaching. Places headphones in ears and puts on shades]
Sleazebag: Happy Pride!!!
Denny: Not into white guys.
Denny: [Breaks 4th wall and turns to you (yes you) the reader] Quiet!!! Not a word out of you.
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Ahhh yes and here come the Breeders to watch the carnival acts with fascination. Cis Straight White allies be like:
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I’m sorry volunteer person who know visible indicator you’re in charge. I didn’t realize I had to wait in two separate lines before getting in this one to register and take the pic for the #NoH8 Campaign. There were no signs or anyone directing traffic and in spite of all of these White Queens present, none of these Emma Frosts bothered to send me a telepathic memo.
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Your reaction when you’re waiting in the right line (you hope) and hear an M.C. yell on the microphone that this is Pride and they are welcoming of everyone and they don’t discriminate.
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Also your reaction when the M.C. is looking for contestants for some strut and pose competition and they look in your direction as if they’re about to volunteer you.
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[Utilizes Ninja Skills and spots nosy bastards looking over my shoulder and staring at my content on my cellphone. Casually opens a Google search to conversion therapy to freak them out] #NosyBastards
Where’s Thanos when you need him????
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M.C: Everyone raise your hands and snap your fingers.
Denny: (mutters under breath) How about I just raise a middle finger or two instead.
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[Notices I’m being checked out heavily by a younger twink]
Denny: Keep it moving jailbait.
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Reposting for related commentary.
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I’ve been atop Whistler Mountain after a fresh snowfall and it still wasn’t as white as #NashvillePride.
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Annnnnnnd I’m 80 percent sure I heard a white guy standing behind me in line utter the N-Word to his friends. “Community” my muscular Wakandan Cherokee Eternian ass.
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FINALLY!!!!! Mission accomplished!!!!!!! We came, we saw, we kicked Caesar’s ass. Time to get the hell out of here.
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[Spots thirsty guys eyeing me. Nonchalantly raises t-shirt to show off 8-pack while I casually use bottom of t-shirt to wipe the sweat off my brow]
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Several People Online: Denny did you attend Pride today? How long were you there?
Denny:
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Sitting outside on a bench, having just left Pride. There’s a guy walking around with a boombox outside the fenced area thumping a Bible and screaming into the microphone proselytizing about White Jesus. I was so tempted to yell Hail Satan but it’s clear he wants attention.
All that “White Jesus Loves You” went out the window when a woman flipped him a bird and he yelled for her to meet him outside (ie to throw hands). He waddled his self away quick enough in case she decided to take him up on his offer. Realizing this was too much caucacity for me to stomach, I took my happy self to Starbucks…..for less and manageable caucacity.
[Breaks 4th wall and turns to you (yes you) the reader] Quiet!!! Not a word out of you.
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As for myself and Pride and the local Gay “community”:
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In spite of everything, I achieved my goal and I’m happy with the result and what it symbolizes.
#OperationOrpheus: Accomplished.
DENNIS R. UPKINS 